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  My Fake War

  Andersen Prunty

  My Fake War copyright © 2010 by Andersen Prunty and published by Eraserhead Press (www.eraserheadpress.com)

  If you like this book and want to share it, feel free to send it to friends, photocopy without the express written approval of the publisher or the author, post on the web, tattoo on your face, make YouTube videos of, recordings of, etc. Just don’t charge money for it. That would be ghoulish.

  Also by Andersen Prunty

  Slag Attack

  Morning is Dead

  The Beard

  Jack and Mr. Grin

  Zerostrata

  The Overwhelming Urge

  Part One

  The War Abroad

  One

  It was a quiet day in the Clob Public Library. Almost every day had become a quiet day in the library. I sat behind the checkout counter reading Kobo Abe’s The Box Man and listening to Miles Davis’s In a Silent Way through ear buds. The library was large but most of the shelves were empty. Currently, the Clob Public Library boasted only seventeen titles. Whatever readers the city had left checked out the rest of them long ago and forgot to return them or, figuring they would never be caught, simply refused to return them. Our country had spread itself very thin and while most of the globe was now under our watch, things were falling apart on the home front. Soldiers were stationed in every city and town but funding for something as useless and unprofitable as libraries fell by the wayside.

  Earlier, a haggard man had blown in through the front doors and asked, “What do you guys do here?”

  “We’re a library,” I answered.

  “What’s that?”

  “We loan books.”

  He stood there for a moment, wondering if this was something he would be interested in. He looked at the mostly barren surroundings, nodded to a voice in his head, offered a conciliatory wave, and left.

  My boss, Clovis Mapes, barreled out of his office. He sat in there all day and watched the news on a small television. The news mostly covered our country’s various wars and Mapes watched them as fervently as most men watched sports. Of course, war had become something of a national sport.

  “Fuck yes!” he shouted, pumping his fist in the air.

  I couldn’t hear him over the music.

  “What’s that?” I pulled the bud out of my left ear.

  “We just beat the holy fuck out of France!” He pumped his arm again. Sweat stains blossomed the pits of his Hawaiian shirt. I wasn’t sure how he became the head of a library. Maybe he gained the position by force.

  “Is that good?”

  “Is that good? Of course it’s good! It’s a victory! Victory is always good, Saul! Those frogs have had it coming for years. For like ever, if you ask me. Stand up! Stand up! Let’s sing the fucking Everything Anthem!”

  “That’s okay. I’m… okay.”

  “Stop acting like a fucking goddamn terrorist, Saul. Stand the fuck up.”

  He approached me and grabbed my shirt, hoisting me up out of the chair. He began singing the Everything Anthem as loudly as he possibly could. I thought it was kind of embarrassing. Actually, I guess it would have only been embarrassing if there was anyone else in the library, which there definitely was not. I didn’t even know the words so I just mouthed along. I’m sure he couldn’t hear me over the blaring of his own voice.

  He got tired of singing about halfway through and stopped. He looked down at the floor and said, “Jesus Christ, Saul, how fucking big are your feet!”

  “I don’t… I’m not…”

  “What size shoes are those?”

  “A size sixteen, I believe.”

  “Sixteen! You’re not even as tall as me. Let’s stand back to back.”

  “We just did this last week. You were taller.”

  “Come on. Let’s do it! No fucking way your feet were that big last week.”

  I slumped my shoulders and turned around. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to keep coming in here. Collecting unemployment like just about everyone else would have to be better than this.

  “Stand up straight or it don’t work!”

  I stood up as straight as I ever did.

  He placed the palm of his hand on the bald top of my head and ran it along until it met the back of his head.

  “I’m a good inch taller,” he said. “Jesus, your dick must be huge! Let’s see it.” He reached for the button of his khaki pants, ready to drop them and compare.

  “I don’t think that’s appropriate, Mr. Mapes. I agreed to sing the Anthem with you so you wouldn’t think I was unpatriotic, but I will not show you my genitalia.”

  “No fun!”

  He buttoned his pants and stormed back into his office, slamming the door.

  I sat back down and continued reading and listening to music.

  Two

  My day was over at six. I tucked my book and my mp3 player in my messenger bag with my laptop, slung it over my shoulder, and went out to wait at the bus stop. There were several homeless people waiting there. They waited there every day.

  I threw up my hands and said, “I don’t have any cash on me. I would give some to you all if I could. If you catch the guy in the Hawaiian shirt when he comes out, I know he has some on him.”

  They grumbled and moved closer to the library.

  The bus rumbled to a stop in front of me. I lived only a mile or so away from the library. I used to walk to work but it had become too uncomfortable. It made my feet hurt. The door folded open and I boarded. The inside smelled heavily of gas. The bus driver wore a gas mask. There was a child passed out in the front seat. I picked the child up and carried him out to the fresh air. I took his pulse. He still had one. Maybe he would come to eventually. I knew at least a couple of the homeless guys had been doctors before one of the local hospitals had to shut down.

  “Now he’s never going to get where he was going,” the bus driver said.

  “I think he was going to die from fuel inhalation.”

  “I don’t like you.”

  I swiped my bus pass and sat behind the bus driver.

  He closed the door. I was the only one on the bus.

  “Do you think you could move further back?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why do you want me to move further back? I'll only be on here for a few minutes.”

  “You make me nervous sitting right behind me.”

  “That kid was sitting right behind you.”

  “That was okay. That way I could keep an eye on him so he didn’t make any trouble.”

  “Maddening. Regardless, I’m not moving.” I prodded the back of the seat. “I don’t think anyone else is getting on. Can you go so I get home before I pass out?”

  The bus driver sighed and pulled away from the curb. I twisted around and tried to open the window but the latch was broken.

  Three

  Once home, I unlocked the ten deadbolts to my front door, took my laptop from my messenger bag, and dropped the bag onto the floor. I sat in my comfortable chair and put the laptop on the coffee table. I untied my shoes and slid them off. Then I took off my socks. I wiggled my toes around, the nails extending out from them like a set of vicious talons. It always felt good to air them out. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t cut them in so long. I had never liked cutting them and then decided I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to. It was the one thing I did that benefited absolutely no one but me and it made me feel incredibly good. It made me feel free.

  Reclining in my comfortable chair, I grabbed my laptop and flipped it open. I went to the Grassville Gang’s website to see if they had uploaded another episode. Thankfully, they had. It was called Teenage Van 16. I watched it for a half hour, m
y erection growing, before it became simply too painful to bear. I undid my pants and began massaging myself, hoping they wouldn’t suddenly and inexplicably launch into a gay male sex scene, as they so often did. Luckily, they didn’t. I was finished in only a minute or so. I came into my left hand and grabbed the roll of paper towels I kept by the chair for just such an occasion. The paper towels also came in handy when I ate chips. My hands dry, I closed the laptop and placed it back on the table. I fixed my pants back up, reclined the chair further, and closed my eyes for a rest.

  I was forty-three years old, mostly bald, a little bit fat, and still jerking off to porn like a teenager.

  I should probably have felt depressed about that but I didn’t. A lot more people had it a whole lot worse off than I did.

  I dozed off.

  Four

  A loud knocking on my front door startled me awake. I looked at the clock above the seldom used television. I’d only been asleep about fifteen minutes. I typically like to nap for about a half an hour. Any less and I didn’t feel like I was taking full advantage of one of life’s greatest and simplest pleasures and any more and I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night. I tried to ignore the knocking. I didn’t have any friends or family so it couldn’t have been anything important. I picked up my cordless phone. I hadn’t missed any calls.

  The knocking continued. Louder. Methodical. Like some kind of death knell.

  I got out of my chair and took the few steps to the front door. I peered through the peep hole. In my neighborhood, you didn’t just open the door. That could get one shot or raped. Well, I probably wasn’t in danger of being raped unless the rapist had some really warped perversion for middle aged fat guys.

  A man stood out on the porch. He wore a pair of aviator sunglasses and stared directly at the peep hole like he knew I stood just on the other side.

  “Can I help you!?” My door was solid steel so I had to yell in order to be heard.

  “Saul Dressing?”

  “What are you here for?”

  “Are you Saul Dressing?”

  My first instinct was to say ‘no’ and hope he left but the way he just stared at the peep hole was intimidating. Like if I lied to him he could remove his sunglasses and shoot laser beams into my head, melting my brains.

  “Yes. Can I help you?”

  “Open the door, please.”

  “Why?”

  “Please open the door.”

  “Are you selling something?”

  “No. Open the door.”

  “Not until you tell me why you’re here.”

  “Open the door on behalf of the government of the United States of Everything.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Open the door or you’ll be in violation of… a whole lot of stuff.”

  “Do you have identification?”

  His sturdy aviator glasses-covered face was replaced with a badge. It showed a picture of a beady eyed man with the same haircut. I could see why he wore the sunglasses. There was an Everything flag on it. I didn’t know what an official government badge looked like so it could have easily been a fake.

  “How do I know that’s real?”

  “Mr. Dressing, if you do not open this door in the next thirty seconds then I will drag you from your home, place you in my official government vehicle, and drive you to an official government detainment center where you will either stay for an officially long time or drop off the face of the earth and then… well, very few people will know what happens to you then.”

  I began turning all the dead bolts. What else could I do? I didn’t have any idea how one could even contact the government to find out if this was real or not. Even if I did, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been an easy or quick process.

  “You’d better hurry,” he said.

  Now my hands were shaking. I unlocked the last dead bolt and opened the door as quickly as possible.

  Seeing this man in full he looked even less like a government employee. He wore a camouflage sweat suit stretched to its limits over his girth.

  “Is that a sweat suit?” I couldn’t help myself.

  “Yes. It makes it easier to move around.”

  His sunglasses moved over the length of my body and stopped when aimed at my feet.

  “Dear God,” he said.

  Dammit. I had forgotten to put my shoes back on.

  “Jesus. I think I’m going to be sick.”

  He took a couple of steps to his right until he reached the railing of my porch. He braced himself and vomited over the side. I thought about covering my toenails but then remembered I didn’t have to. This was my house. At least for a few more minutes anyway.

  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood in front of me again. He pushed me out of the way and stood in the middle of my living room, surveying the surroundings.

  “Come in, I guess.”

  “I already have.”

  “I know. I was just… being sarcastic.”

  “You know who else was sarcastic? The French.” Then he smirked and hooked his thumbs in the waistband of his sweatpants. “Guess you heard what happened to them.”

  “Can you tell me why you’re here?”

  “Saul Dressing, you’ve been drafted.”

  Five

  “Drafted?”

  “That’s what I said.”

  “That’s impossible.”

  “I assure you it’s not.”

  “I’m way too old.”

  “Mr. Dressing, have you watched the news lately? Do you realize the current state of this country’s affairs?”

  “I don’t watch the news. It’s too depressing. I do, however, realize the current state of this country’s affairs is dire. To say the least.”

  “And it’s because of this direness that you are needed. You are certainly not the type of soldier this country would otherwise seek out.”

  “I protest.”

  “Then you will be taken to a detainment facility.”

  “I don’t think that’s legal.”

  “In moments of crisis, in times of war, many things become legal that were once not legal.”

  “I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.” I grabbed the tufts of hair on either side of my head and sat down on the couch.

  “They’ll be here in the morning to take you to the front.”

  “The front?!” I found myself suddenly enraged. This man had come into my house and completely rearranged my existence. “Which front? The whole world’s a front.”

  “I believe you will be taken to the country of Grisnos. They’ll brief you on the trip.”

  I slumped down, my head nearly in between my knees. “I’ve never even heard of a country called Grisnos.”

  “I think it’s new. Or else it’s really old and has shrunk to such a size that the rest of the world has forgotten about it. Regardless, you’re going there.”

  “I need a drink.”

  I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator, wrapping my hand around a beer bottle. I thought about breaking the bottle, rushing into the living room and trying to assassinate that man. Maybe I needed something stronger than beer. I released the beer bottle, closed the refrigerator, and took a bottle of vodka from the freezer. I didn’t bother with a glass. I uncapped the bottle and walked with slumped shoulders into the living room.

  “Do you have any coffee?”

  “Not made.”

  “Do you mind?”

  “I’m not going to make you coffee. How long are you going to be here?”

  He had already made his way into the kitchen. “I’ll be here until they come to retrieve you in the morning.”

  “This isn’t a hotel.”

  “You’ve established yourself as a flight risk.”

  I plopped down heavily on the couch and took a slug from the bottle. It unleashed a cool burn down my throat, exploding into my already upset stomach. I coughed and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

  “You seem
to know a lot about me but I don’t even know your name. Doesn’t professional courtesy suggest you introduce yourself to me before sending me off to some foreign country to die?”

  “I’m Baxter. Baxter Baxter.”

  Idiotic. “Like the character in Lolita.”

  He stopped banging around in the kitchen. “Huh?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Where are your filters?”

  “Cabinet above the sink.”

  I heard the grinder whir away. When it stopped, I turned on the stereo. Solo Monk. Sublime. I took another slug of vodka. It was already working its way into my head, a big ball of heat radiating throughout my body. I didn’t feel quite as murderous as I did only moments before. Maybe the music helped.

  A few minutes later, Baxter came in carrying a mug I had filched from the library. He pointed at the television. Then he pointed at the stereo. “How do you turn this off?”

  “I’m listening to it.”

  “From now on you listen to your superiors. That’s the only thing you listen to. You better get that through your big bald head.”

  More vodka.

  He was randomly punching buttons.

  “You’re going to mess up the equalizer. Just press the ‘power’ button.”

  He pressed the power button and the music stopped. Then he pressed the power button on the television and cranked the volume way up. It was on one of the porno channels. The living room became alive with grunts, moans, slapping skin, and bad synthesizer music.

  “Whoa!” Baxter said. “They should take that shit off TV.” He grabbed the remote control and scrolled through the channels until he reached the War Network. He sat down in the comfortable chair with his cup of coffee, extending the leg rest and making himself comfortable. “We just began a major offensive against Bioko earlier today.”